There are a lot of sci-fi series to like; Star Trek, Star Wars, Alien, Atlantis. There are even folks who can turn off their cerebral cortexes long enough to enjoy Stargate Atlantis. Though I like them all (or most of them), I only love Aliens. Aliens is the sci-fi for people who like their beef tar-tar. And this is why I found Alien vs. Predator Requiem (AVPR) so sadly distressing.
You see, each of these sci-fi franchises has a lexicon. The bigger the series, the bigger the lexicon. Star Trek fans can debate endlessly about Klingon ridges. Aliens lexicon is not so big. But there are a couple of commandments, and AVPR broke all of them.
1) Though shalt not face hug and chest burst the kiddies: In Aliens they spent the entire movie trying to save a seven year old. In AVPR they chest burst a ten year old on screen in the first five minutes.
2) Though needest a queen to reproduce: In AVPR the Predator/Alien hybrid could 'inject' aliens into pregnant human women and have them give birth to octuplets. Besides being just sick and nasty, it's just dumb and wrong. Plus, the Predator/Alien 'babies' were human/aliens, which makes no sense. But nobody in the audience had the IQ to see that so who the hell cares. (More on the moronic audience later).
3) Though shalt make a reasonably acceptable film: Suspense? Not here. Twists? Nowhere to be found. Plot coherence? Say what? I love the Alien movies because they were simple, effective, had great memorable characters, wonderful sequences, good suspense and dialogue we could repeat for years; "They come out at night, mostly", "Micro changes in air density, my ass.", "Hey Vasquez, have you ever been mistaken for a man? No. Have you?"
I'd list the few times that the film tried to pay homage to the originals. But that's a waste and frankly those few times just left me wanting to see the originals again. I could talk about how they have a new Ripley lookalike who has kind of a latin flavor. But really, who cares? I could talk about how the script was did a towering inferno style start up with introducing all these characters and what not. But really, what's the point. There is only one scene in the movie worth watching and that when the cheerleader hottie unexpectedly gets splattered/stuck into the wall by a Predator throwing star gone awry.
So, yeah, this one is going in the rubbish bin. AVPR doesn't exist in the Alien line. Even AVP was better. Hell, even Resurrection was better and I have to be the only person on the planet who liked that movie.
I just find it sad that we have this illustrious series of films that is tarnished with this super-gory Saw like thing. There are so many chest poppings and head crushings that it almost becomes routine by the end. This was way, way over the top in gore and violence and it really didn't need to be. I guess we have just become a more bloodthirsty audience. Which leads me to the audience...
Turns out I went to "Aliens for Tots" night at the centroplex. Seated right below me was a woman bottle feeding a baby. Up in the front row was a couple with a stroller and a four year old. And to my left was a family with a five year old boy and a seven year old girl. The girl was trying to shield her eyes around the five minute mark and begging to leave. About half way through she left, only to come back and ask her parents if she could go in to 'Alvin and the Chipmunks' which was playing across the hall. Her Mom's answer; "Shut up." Nice.
I weep for our species.
BTW, on the football tip, I was going for the Bucs who lost and the Chargers who one which makes me 75% over the weekend. Both of the late games were great. But the best game of the weekend was by far the Jags/Steelers game which was just amazing in the fourth quarter. The Pats/Jags will be amazing next weekend.
Update: I should point out just a few of the enormous plot holes and unanswered questions in AVPR if only to illustrate just how many of them there were.
Anyway, you get the point. Almost every scene in the movie raises more questions than it answers.
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