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Pandora's box

I have this family member, someone who I love, and looked upto as a child. Now that I'm older, I think more of us a equals. But I think it must be hard for someone who considered themselves the adult to go and consider that person as an equal and a friend.

So I've been trying for a few years to be friends with this person. Mostly, in honesty because of my mom, who said as she laid dying that she worried for her family, that we didn't all get along. So when an opening came, I took the chance and got sucked in.

For it turns out it was like opening Pandora's Box. At first everyone behaves and you think this isn't that bad, what was I afraid of. But then little by little you start to realize that your not happy, you've let someone in who now feels like they can change you or control you. Come Christmas Eve and I get an email from this person telling me ...

" thanks for reminding me of how mom cherished Christmas - remember 21 boxes of ornaments and four trees? You know, before ... before mom died. She cried for you and hoped that you would see her in heaven. I hope you will at least consider her hope and love for you. What she actually said was
"I hope Jesus will accept Lori back". I told her that Jesus always has opens arms for those who love Him. She was really worried about your lack of faith." ( I took out bits that identified this person, though anyone in the family knows who this is)...

Any way I was irate. I was actually violently ill in response to this - how dare this person think for a moment they had the right to dangle my mothers wishes for me over me. I responded very angrily and used words I didn't actual feel. I just wanted to hurt as much as this hurt me.

The truth is that after years of study, and contemplation I gave up religion and became an atheist. Well I was agnostic at first, but the last few years I gave up that title. I have no doubts in my decision, science is my truth. That's not to say I think Jesus never existed. He was a teacher and a prophet, just someone I choose not to follow. The thing is though, I admit I could be wrong. I don't think so but I also don't think there is only one path. I believe this more passionately then any thing else, that everyone must follow their own path - what ever feels right to them and I would never stand in anyones way. But in this email I did tell this person to never bring up their faith with me. When in reality I don't care if someone wants to bring up their faith with me. I have lots of friends and family of different faiths, and have no issue with any of them. I can honestly say I've never tried to convert anyone to atheism. Religion is a personal road for everyone. If you ask me questions about why I choose to believe or not then I may choose to share, but that's it.

The funny thing is though - I find with most people, they don't ask they just assume that I'd be put out by their faith. When really I usually don't think about it. I just hope everyone is happy and if their faith makes them happy then more power to them. ...

So where am I going with this ramble..Well I guess I'm looking for the respect I try to give. I'm not looking to convert you or subvert your faith because i appreciate that its yours and yours alone. I just ask that you don't try to convert me.

So where do I stand with this family member. Well being their friend is exhausting, and I'm pretty much done trying that. And it sounds like from all thats been said they feel being my friend is exhausting too. So we cut the close ties. And I'm sad about that. But in the end its probably be for the best. We'll always be connected through family. But who says you have to be best friends with all your family. I'll always strive to accept people for who they are and be there for family when they need me. But I no longer feel I should try have to foster unhealthy connections just because I feel some sense of responsibility.

Anyway - Peace out 2007 you've been a very trying year. I'm looking forward to 2008!

Merry Belated

I know its several days after the fact, but we have just been having too much fun. I haven't even been playing with my new laptop let alone blogging. First off - my birthday was a hoot. My morning started with Megan and Jack jumping into bed with me with gifts. Then I volunteered in Megan's Classroom and was able to watcher her get "Outstanding Student of the Month" award! We ended the night when Jack and I went out with a friend for a nice dinner. It really was a perfect day.

Then on Saturday the 22 we had our open house. I cooked all day some yummy hor'dourves. By early evening our house was stuffed with lots of friends. It was a very merry event and I'm sure we'll be doing it again!

Sunday night we rode The Train of Lights which was really delightful. We were the car Santa and Mrs Clause started in so we stayed in our seats until they past used and Megan got to tell Santa a last minute wish (that thankfully Mumsie and Grandpa had already taken care of! Mumsie - its beautiful BTW)

Christmas eve day was a day filled with excitement and expectations. It was really the first holiday Megan was fully aware of what was coming, and her giddiness was contagious. Jack baked Cinnamon Rolls which he passed out to neighbors and our local fire house, while Megan and I made cookies for Santa.

Jack and I actually woke up well before Megan on the 25th. I was able to sneak out and watch the morning news, and enjoy a cinnamon bun and coffee. Her self managed to stumble out of bed at 8:30 and we started opening gifts. Megan was delighted, well heck we all were! And she loved and I mean LOVED her new dollhouse, which Jack and I had built and decorated since thanksgiving (OK Jack built and did most of the painting, but do you know how hard it is to sew throw pillows on such a small scale! I made Curtains, blankets and pillows for the whole house.

Jack headed to LA the next day to see Pop's and Aunt Marsha. Meanwhile Megan and I have been having so much fun, playing games. I saw PS I Love you yesterday while she went to an afternoon camp at LIttle Gym, and today we hung out with our dear friends P Y & J.

We've canceled our plans for New Years and will be hanging local after all, but have already gotten 2 invites, so all is well. One Party is more for kids and is starting early. We'll be home by MIdnight (east Coast time) and then the two sleepy heads can get to bed. I'm sure i'll have more to update later.

Monday came and we had our weekly poker gang over. I was out of money around 9:15 in the same pot that cleaned out Mel (Way to go Jack) so we headed into the living room and watched the Season Finale of Dexter which is in my humble opinion the best thing on TV. For those of you living under a rock, Dexter is a serial killer, who during the day is a forensic investigator for the Miami Police Department - I've read the books its based on and the show is so much better written. The finale was off the hook good. I can't wait to rewatch it with Jack, now that he's not taking everyone's money.

Can I just recommend any one who's not squeamish - go rent Season 1 and get hooked.

Another day... another movie

Tonight we saw The Golden Compass. I was thoroughly entertained. I look forward to sequels if they get the funding. I don't get the ruckus by the right - honestly it was that ruckus that made me want to see it. Long story short - very entertaining ride, if you like sci-fi/fantasy at all. I felt it held up to LOTRs and it was much more interesting and engaging a story than Narnia.

I shouldn't have any trouble sleeping unless the movie from last night creeps back each times I close my eyes.

I'm getting so old...

We have a sitter for the month. Our sitter when off to collage last fall, after our previous one moved to LA and with the whole foot break I never found another. So we just haven't been going out really. We don't live near family so we used some friends occasionally, and our local little gym has had some Parent Survival nights. We've gotten by just fine. But our collage sitter is home for the holidays and we've been taking advantage. Tonight we went out with friends while their daughter and Megan hung out here and had a night of it. We went out to dinner, and then walked over to the local mega-plex to see I Am Legend.

Let me say first off this is a good movie. Its well made and Will Smith is off the hook good. But here's where I know I'm getting old. It was way to intense for me. I spent large portions of the movie hiding in Jack's arm and back. Other parts my hands sufficed. At one point it calmed down and Jack ran out to get something sweet and I thought - Damn he better get back before I need to hide my head again!

I was so anxious - I actually used up my Deodorant - Even now - after a shower and with Little People Big World on the TV, my heart is pounding just thinking about this movie. So go if you enjoy that sort of thing. But if I were you I'd wait for DVD, small tv's and the ability to leave the room.

my picks for week 15

THU, DEC 13
Houston 31, Denver 13 - well I already missed that one picking Denver :(

SAT, DEC 15
Cincinnati at San Francisco- Cincinnati

SUN, DEC 16
Jacksonville at Pittsburgh - Jacksonville
Atlanta at Tampa Bay - Tampa Bay
Seattle at Carolina - Seattle
Green Bay at St. Louis - Green Bay
Baltimore at Miami - Baltimore
NY Jets at New England - New England
Arizona at New Orleans - New Orleans
Buffalo at Cleveland - Cleveland
Tennessee at Kansas City - Tennessee
Indianapolis at Oakland - Indianapolis
Detroit at San Diego - San Diego
Philadelphia at Dallas - Dallas
Washington at NY Giants - Giants

in tonight's game

Houston vs. Denver - I pick Denver, Since I got so few right last week, I'm probably not going to stick with this whole picking teams thing - but i'll go ahead for one more weekend.

LA shower

I headed down to LA saturday afternoon, in order to goto my dear friend Barbara's baby shower!. I flew down mid morning, rented a car and drove slowly over to the movie theater/bar the shower was at because I was 3 hours early. It was a happy hour Baby shower. I really had a great time. I'm so glad I got to see Barbara before the baby comes next month. She is so radiant and beautiful. Pregnancy suits her, but I'm sure that she'll be a more radiant mother.

sorry the photo's not better quality - I used my phone.

Anyway the shower was a hoot. I did have a few hiccups coming home. At the parking garage when I tried to prepay for my parking the machine ate my credit card, and I had to wait 15 mins for a guy to come get it out. Then when I returned to the airport I realized I was getting 44 miles to the gallon in the hybrid I rented and i'd driven like 22 so I didn't bother filling up - it was still on full, I got a huge lecture from the check in guy at the rental agency. He did give me a credit back on the non refill fee but he did make me feel like a child.

My NFL picks

In an effort to give a two hoots about something Jack pays attention too - here are my NFL picks

Dear Mom,

How is it that its been 8 years since you left us? I feel as though it was only a few days ago, and yet I can't seem to remember your voice. Your words are easy, I have cards hidden all over my house with your words, and your hands - i have your hands complete with the little patch of 4 dark hairs above my wrist, even your smell I can conjure - a cross between Shalimar and Hallmark.. . But oh how I wished i'd thought to record your voice.

I think what makes your death still so hard now is that I grieve that you have missed out on all those wonderful grand kids. Megan is really the joy of my life, and every milestone I have wanted to share with you.

This time of year I always think of you more and more, not because this is the time you died, but because you always made the holidays so special, When I think about my childhood, most memories that come to the front are of various Christmases with us all around the tree, me passing out the gifts - a whole days spent sharing. It was so magical. You always made it so.

Now I get to bring that Magic to my own daughter, and I look back and use your example for guidance. Though I won't be wasting precious stocking space with fruit from the fruit bowl!

Mom, I miss you and I wish so often that you were just a phone call away - That I could call and tell you the latest funny from Megan, or get your advice on some mysterious medical ailment.

This picture, though of I time I don't remember, reminds me how much you loved life. Also I feel how much love you had for us all, and how special you made me feel. I had fun with you, scouting malls to find the real Santa, playing games - you were always up for a game. (Mom I have a daughter who loves games as well!), going to Disney. How many wonderful private moments we shared.

Its gotten easier, being with out you. Megan is so much life, so much excitement and smiles. She is the reason I know you loved us all so much.

I love you too Mom. More than words can say.
Lori